Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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