I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
