so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
COCAINE IS GR8
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
