So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
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