are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
