If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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