You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
