Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize