Apparently you make a good broom.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
they call him Oral-B. enough said
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Randomize
