Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
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