life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
