My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Randomize
