mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
