now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Of course I have a pirate flag
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
