remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
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