The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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