just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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