this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
