I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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