So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
