I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
you traded sex for a burrito?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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