i already hear my dad disowning me
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Randomize
