Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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