If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
