The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize