fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
