I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
