I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
