69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
