On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Randomize
