i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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