I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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