I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
