last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
