last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
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