If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
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