I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
