I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
are you so shy because you have an std?
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Randomize
