He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
