a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
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