I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
tonight lets celebrate not being married
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
