and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
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