I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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