so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I would ride that face into the sunset
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Randomize
