I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
