after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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