If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
She needs sedatives and a leash
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
