Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
