sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Randomize
