I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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