I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I faked an abortion last night.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
