he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
