OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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