my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
My balls are so social today.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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