Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
whose ass print is on the piano?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize